You can’t date someone that gets pissed at you for being quiet and fidgety around their friends.
You can’t date someone that hates how you choose the aisle seat at movie theaters and buses, in case you need to escape.
You can’t date someone that gets annoyed when you hide away in the bathroom during parties and how sometimes you don’t want to be touched.
You can’t date someone that resents your anxiety. Someone that wishes you were more normal.
You need to find someone that holds you close when you’re upset. Someone that realizes there’s nothing they can really do to help, but tries their best to calm you down anyway. Someone that loves you through your anxiety, not in despite of it.
It’s taken me a while to find him, but my person compliments me when I walk through the city without looking down at the ground. He tells me how proud he is when I ask the waiter for ketchup or for the check.
He understands how hard it is for me to talk to people, to do things that he would never hesitate to do, so he always lets me know that he notices when I stray from my comfort zone, that he admires my strength.
But when my anxiety is acting up, when I don’t want to utter a word, he doesn’t make me feel shitty about it. When I ask him to order my meal for me, he talks to the waitress. When I buy groceries, I hand him my money and let him chitchat with the cashier.
If I ever need to escape from a party, he comes up with an excuse to get me out of there. If I’m ever uncomfortable during a conversation, he jumps in for me.
He knows that I have what it takes to overcome my anxiety, but he doesn’t push me to do anything I’m uncomfortable with. He lets me decide when I want to talk and when I want to stay silent. When I want to leave the house and when I want to lock myself inside.
When I’m upset, either in private or in public, he does whatever he can to make me calm, to make me laugh.
But he never says that he understands, because he doesn’t. He never says that I’m overreacting, because he knows that I have no control over my emotions. That my anxiety has taken the wheel.
He might not understand my anxiety, but he doesn’t mind it. It doesn’t make him love me any less. It doesn’t make him resent me.
And if I’ve found someone like that, that means you will, too.
You’ll find someone that doesn’t make you feel like crap over something you can’t control. Someone that isn’t going to get scared away by your anxiety.
Someone that is going to have unlimited love for you during your best and worst days, because you’re worth every second of their time. You’re worth every beat of their heart.