By Kirsten Corley
The truth is we aren’t.
I could tell you we feel things deeper. We care more. We are more sensitive and understanding and compassionate because the only thing worse than overcoming others is overcoming your own demons.
But the honest truth is people with depression aren’t the best ones to fall in love with.
We aren’t easy to deal with.
We are complicated and don’t even understand ourselves sometimes.
And there are days where we are completely intolerable and irrational and filled with such negativity it will drain you.
The honest truth is there are a million healthier, less stressful people you could fall for.
Because the reality of falling in love with someone who has depression comes with entering a world and a topic you probably don’t know much about. But in time, you’ll learn first hand how depression affects someone.
There is nothing glamorized about the nights we fall apart and are a complete basket case and there’s going to be nothing you can do to fix it. And before your eyes, it’s not this person you might have fallen in love with. Everything about us looks the same but it’s like a switch went off and you’re trying to bring us back but all you can do is watch in horror like we’ve transformed into some kind of monster.
There is nothing lovely about those days where our head takes us to a really dark place and we become a version of ourselves we don’t recognize. Or those times we haven’t eaten or showered or left the house in days and you want to help but you feel helpless too.
There’s a sadness to watching the person you love in public put on such an act and you watch because you know how good they are at fooling everyone. There’s a sadness to watching someone you love, make others and yourself so happy and you just want them to bring as much joy to themselves.
There’s a sadness to this person who doesn’t see themselves the way the rest of the world does and no matter how much you try and build them up they knock themselves down.
There’s heartbreak to holding the person you love as they cry and they wonder why you love them. And they tell you to leave. They tell you can do better than someone who cannot control this mental illness that they blame themselves for. But you know it’s not their fault. You know when they push you away is when they need you most.
To understand depression and loving someone with it means to understand they’ll say one thing and mean the other.
To love someone with depression is understanding a simple trigger will bring them to a very dark place they don’t wish to go to but can’t control.
Understanding depression and loving someone is understanding a “bad day,” it’s just something they feel inside regardless of what is going on with them.
It’s knowing to not at the question “why are depressed?” Because we don’t have an answer.
It just comes in unwanted waves one after another drowning us in our own deep thoughts and we don’t want to reach for you to save us. We don’t want to seem like a burden. We don’t want you to feel obligated to be here out of guilt. Because we feel guilty enough for putting you through this. And that’s why people with depression are hardest to love.
Loving someone with depression is the anticipation of those days. You’re always waiting for this thing to ruin your best day. It stays hidden lurking in the shadows.
When you love someone with depression you want to help. You hold them in the late hours of the night when they are crying. You tell them to go back to sleep when it’s two am and they are awake.
You are the strength on their weak days and that’s a lot to ask of someone.
So no people with depression aren’t the best to fall in love with because it takes a very rare person to be able to tolerate that and choose to that.
You begin to hate depression because it makes this person you love into someone they aren’t. And you have to keep reminding yourself “this isn’t them it’s depression.” You hate it but you learn to accept it.
And together you begin to just take it one day at a time. You begin to appreciate the good days that are few and far between but make the bad days worth tolerating.
The truth is if you love someone with depression and you can help them through their bad days, you can be the light in the darkness, be the company in states of loneliness in return you will find someone who loves you unconditionally.
You will find someone who will love you so deeply.
You will find someone who will love you so hard it redefines what you thought love meant.
You will find someone who will be loyal to you forever.
You will find someone who will accept the worst parts about you and teach you to love that too.
You’ll find someone who is always grateful for even the little things.
In return, you’ll have someone who will do anything for you and someone who will never stop telling you how much you mean to them. You’ll find someone who always puts effort into you even if it comes in the form of overcompensating.
The truth is if you love someone with depression you’ll realize and appreciate a new sense of beauty to all they are. Because there is something to be said about someone who picks themselves up every time they fall.
There is something to be said about someone who has the ability to channel this negativity in their life into something positive.
There is something to be said about this person who works hard and stays busy and accomplishes a lot simply because that’s what will keep them having “good days.”
There is a strength to people with depression. There is a beauty to them. There is an appreciation for life despite those “bad days” where they question everything. And you’ll watch them handle all of this with as much grace as they can and you’ll love them even more for it.
So maybe we aren’t the best people to fall in love with but once you do there’s no going back.
Because on those bad days when we are crying and wondering why you deal with us when we tell you to leave, there will be the smallest glimmer of hope in our eyes, when you look us and say, “I’m choosing to stay.”