By Chelsea Fagan
1. 7/11 Taquitos
I think we’ve all had that moment. It’s two a.m. (the only hour appropriate for eating any of the “meal” foods at 7/11), you’re tired/drunk/both, and you need to get some food. There are a few lone taquitos sadly rolling around on an endless loop in the back of the machine, glistening slightly in the unforgiving fluorescent light, calling your name. You buy your three pack, you take them outside, and you indulge in what is considered by science to be the least legitimate food item that is still technically considered a food. It’s mostly just grease, “meat,” and sadness — and you know it. 7/11 is just here to feed your stomach and your self-loathing at all hours of the night.
2. Mountain Dew
Aside from the fact that this is the carbonated drink with the prestigious distinction of having several fast food chain-exclusive flavors, it’s just kind of awful. It’s everyone’s guilty pleasure, everyone’s dirty secret, the forbidden fruit that we’ve kissed one time too many when trying to keep ourselves motivated through an all-night cram session or simply a middle-of-the-night taco run. Whether in its original nuclear waste green color or the zesty mouthwash blue, it’s guaranteed to give you the sugar-and-caffeine-high-followed-by-crippling-despair that we all so crave.
First of all, why in the world would anyone even step foot within 10 miles of a KFC when Popeye’s exists? Popeye’s is the Beyoncé to KFC’s Katy Perry — there is just no comparison, and one just looks sad when mentioned in the same sentence. And beyond that, even when not placed against the gleaming beacon of hope that is Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits, KFC is little more than a murky swampland littered with lackluster chicken, chalky mashed potatoes, and flaccid macaroni and cheese. It’s a slap in the face to all that fried chicken should be, and it’s only purpose is to make you feel like a giant failure for being anywhere near its food, let alone ingesting it. Nothing good can ever come from entering a KFC, except perhaps the moment where you leave it.
4. Papa John’s
Okay, if the unbelievable asshattitude recently displayed over providing health care for their employees wasn’t enough to make you avoid Papa John’s like the plague, how about the fact that their pizzas are repulsive? They’re just giant, mushy asscheeks of dough covered in the cheapest cheese-like substance available in the continental US, caving in under the weight of their own grease puddles. And as if your whole body didn’t hate you enough for consuming it as is, they provide you with a literal cup of vaguely garlic-flavored grease in which to dip your profoundly oil-slicked wads of cheesebread. It’s everything wrong with ourselves and society at large, served in a cardboard box.
5. Grocery store cake
So basically grocery store cake is just vegetable shortening and granulated sugar molded into a rougly rectangular shape and covered with blue frosting roses and “Happy Birthday _____” scribbled across the top. We have all been collectively hoodwinked into thinking that this was an actual dessert of some kind, and not the insult to our collective intelligence that it really is. Eating this cake, while perhaps proving a temporary rush of sugar and nostalgia, is certain to end with the overwhelming feeling that all of these empty calories could have been much better spent on an actual dessert that isn’t made out of old kitchen sponges and corn syrup.