By Rose Goodman
Find someone who knows what your anxiety looks like. Someone who can understand what is running through your mind just by a glance, someone who knows that your silence means you are drowning and the way your face looks when you’re using every inch of strength not to cry.
Find someone who will reassure you, even if it means doing it every day or every hour.
Find someone who isn’t tired by your mind because sweet girl, no-one is more exhausted by it than you.
Find someone who will do everything in their power not to be the cause of that anxiety and if they are, find someone who will do everything to ease it. Who will smooth their hand over your knuckles when they’re white with frustration, someone who will rub gentle circles over your stomach when it is tied up in a thousand knots and feels like crashing waves of the ocean. Find someone who will run their fingers through your hair when your head is so full of terrible thoughts with no route that can be severed, that it feels as if your mind is fighting against your skull, desperate to get out.
Find someone who will be your calm in the storm, your rock, your steady.
Find someone who will make you feel as if you can tell them anything, no matter what time of day or night. Someone who will fight sleep just to smooth the creases in your brow. Find someone who will hold you so close to their chest that you feel their warmth radiate throughout you like a safety blanket.
Find someone who will listen to the mess of your thoughts, who will not tell you that you’re “over-reacting” or “paranoid” or “overly sensitive” or any other number of things which make you feel bad for feeling bad.
Find someone who will learn what it takes to stop you feeling like a grenade. Whose only goal is to help you through whatever thought is gripping you- no matter how real or imagined or so over-analysed it feels as if it will be the thing to break you.
Find someone who will be the hand pulling you to the surface when you feel as if you are drowning and will shield you when the hurricane hits.
Find someone who is not afraid of the darkness, but someone who will be your light.
Find someone who doesn’t give you more reasons to doubt, to fear, to obsess. Find someone who you can see into and through, who will not let your trust issues become magnified, who will not make comments without thinking, who will not joke about things which could turn your world to dust.
Find someone who doesn’t need to be told when you’re feeling anxious. Someone who knows it merely by your twisted features and the picking at your skin. Someone who hears your screams when your mouth is shut and sees your tears when you turn away. Find someone who understands that you won’t tell him you want him to accompany you to that horrible appointment, but you need it more than anything. Someone who will suggest coffee dates after events which cripple you because he knows that is your happy place.
Find someone who will offer to listen to your presentation a thousand times just so you feel a little less terrified on the day. Find someone who will slip their hand into yours at social events so you don’t feel invisible yet exposed all at the same time.
Find someone who will make you feel heard, important, adored.
Find someone who knows that anxiety isn’t who you are. It’s just a part of you.
Find someone who will never make you ask for help or support or just a hand to hold because they are there, always. Because they understand. Because they love you.
Find that person, sweet girl, because you deserve it.
You deserve more than to feel like a burden.