By Emily Gage
I’m tired of being treated like I’m lazy.
I know I stay in bed for hours, unwilling to get up most of the time.
I know that I stay in my pajama’s all day unless I have to work or go to the store to buy junk food for when I stuff myself full later on.
I know that I often come across as an Ice Queen; a person that’s unwilling to let anybody in because she doesn’t want to get hurt, a person that tries to keep her guard up all day long because if I don’t, I will collapse to my knees from the monster named “Depression” who has a stranglehold on me.
When you look at me and scoff with that look in your eye, I know that you think I’m lazy. You think that I’d rather sleep and lounge around all day for no apparent reason. You tell me to get over myself, that if I just got out of the house and got some fresh air I’d be fine… but you’re wrong.
Even when I’m medicated I can tell that something’s wrong. When I’m medicated I still can hardly hold my head up high. I either don’t sleep or I sleep 16 hours a day. I either shower or I don’t for over two days. I either eat everything in sight or I don’t eat at all. It’s hard to get up and go when you feel like something’s physically and mentally weighing you down at all times.
I am not lazy.
I know I come across that way, but I am screaming into the void that I am not slothful on purpose. If I could have it any other way I would. I want to be busy. I want to go out and socialize for once other than staying at home and holing myself up in my room.
If I could get away from this damn thing I would.
What I don’t need is someone to look down on me and tell me that I should just smile for once in my life. Or that I should get some exercise or go for a walk. That isn’t going to miraculously cure me. If it did, don’t you think I would’ve done that a very long time ago?
Don’t you think I would have escaped this years ago if it were that easy?
Please stop thinking of me as the laziest person you know or the laziest person in the family. That’s not who I am.
I sit there and take your comments because you don’t know what it’s like to be like me. You don’t know how it feels and how exhausting it is to always be exhausted and feeling lower than dirt.
The next time you think that I’m a girl who just wants to lounge around all day and not give a crap about a life that she could have if she’d only step outside, please remember that I am depressed.
Please remember that depression is much different than just feeling blue.
I’ve spent years trying to get out of my rut and I hope that it breaks soon just so I can prove that I can be a person who is a go-getter like you are.
Depression is real and it affects me in a way you cannot comprehend because you cannot feel the despair and hopelessness that I do every time I open my eyes.
Some days it’s better than others and I live for those days. I live for the days where I wake up and smile because the sun is shining bright. I live for the days I spend an entire day out of the house or overnight at a friends house because they make me happy. I live for the days when I can listen to music that soothes my soul and drink a cup of tea and find bliss in it all. However, unlike some people, that is not every day like it is for them.
I am trying to beat this; I am trying to not let it take over me any longer. I swear, one day I will recover and I will be the person you expect a twenty-something to be, but until then, please don’t call me lazy. Even if you choose not to believe it, I really am trying.