By Lavina Narwani
Abuse is a word is generally associated with physical assault- whether sexual or not. Mental and emotional abuse is also an abuse. It is in no way less painful than the other. These people are leeches who become an incredible part of our system and then slowly try to erode it from within. These can be utterly selfish people who know how to get their work done. These species are both males and females, can be very cute, sweet, charming too. There are many ways of emotional abuse. This is not an exhaustive list.
Tools of Emotional Abuse
Constantly making you feel inferior, trying to correct/change you in most things. They make you feel that you won’t be able to survive without them.It is the art of intimidation where you don’t let the person think on their own.
Your voice gets suppressed under theirs without even knowing. You wouldn’t realise that most of your decisions- starting from your dinner to your clothes to everything is being decided by them. They derive pleasure out of it.
They Single You Out
These things happen in relationships. One of the partners asks the other to stay away from their friends because ‘they are not good’. They try to constantly show you how everyone is being wrong to you.
“Do not talk to other girls/do not talk to other boys.” “Would you choose me or your friends?” This is a classic abuser.
This is another kind of manipulation. But it finally leads you to be very dependent on them emotionally. An ideal friend/partner would be the one who’d give them your opinions when asked, give only suggestions and let you make their decision.
They are insecure hence they seek attention, they crave for it. It hurts them the most if you are happy without them, even if that is temporary. They throw tantrums for absolutely absurd reasons and are unreasonable. Most beautiful are the people who are happy to see us happy, even if they are not a part of our happiness.
Everyone goes through phases where they are victimised, they face issues but abusers are different. Abusers are always the victims.
That’s also because at times genuine victims themselves become abusers.
Even in the most unrelated, irrelevant scenario; they will bring everything back to themselves and show how they suffer the most. That’s why it is also difficult to argue with them. When they are not in question, they bring a pseudo-moral compass to mention how the world is immoral, wrong and unfair (while it is to everyone else) while they are just being good human beings.
Being Utterly Selfish and Never Sorry
They behave irresponsibly and selfishly when you need them the most. It is always about their mood, their time and what they wish to do. At times when confronted, they might apologise for being selfish but it is a subconscious trait that never changes.
But Why Do We Suck Up to Our Abusers?
When they are so ridiculous; when it kills us to be around them, why do we not ask them:
We Fear Being Left alone
“Everyone around is in a relationship, everyone has so many friend groups, I don’t want to go through a heartbreak, I don’t want to be alone.”
We fear to be alone and then feeling lonely. This is only an internal response to low self-esteem. If you are a nice, likeable person and if you make an effort- you will never be alone. If you love yourself enough and if you learn to love your solitude, you’ll never be lonely. One relationship or friendship is never the end of the story.
Never appreciate, hence we crave for their appreciation
Classic abusers know about the charm of moderate appreciation. They ration appreciation like sugar for a diabetes patient. They do not let the person feel that they are special. Once in awhile, as and when required, they appreciate a little.
We don’t want to be in the wrong
They make us sympathise with their situation. They cite examples which make us feel that they need us and we don’t want to be morally wrong. This happens a lot when you are in a common group of friends circle. In reality, even if the person is not an abuser, there’s nothing wrong in accepting that something didn’t work out. We are humans after all.
There’s no end to arguments with a manipulator. They will repeat the same things again and again, in spite of being discussed and concluded before. They keep reminding you how good they have been to you, how much they have sacrificed, the list doesn’t end.
There are chances that abusive people are themselves being abused. But that’s again dangerous for their victims. Because they take out their abuse on their victims. In the end, no one deserves abuse. It’s never like one friendship or a relationship is going to be the end of your life. There are millions of people to make friends and find love. Always. But getting out of it as soon as possible might prove to be a boon for your tomorrow.